Connection

I live on a (very) small farm in Idaho and it is here, surrounded by wheat and alfalfa and apple trees, that my heart rests. My hands are busy with all that this land requires and provides. My legs ache and my eyes are weary at the end of long days. But my spirit sighs in contentment. It's milking time and I head out to the barn at sunset, pausing to take in the golden world around me. The evening breeze whispers of the creation of the world, our God speaking life into existence, and I'm carrying a milk pail. I'll fill the pail with rich cream and drink from it, nourishing my body for the service He created me for. This. This living from the land connects me to Him. His creation, His provision are tangible here. I can feel Him in the fields of grain and the dark earth that buries seeds and brings forth new life. I hear Him in the buzz of bees busily gathering their fill and in the rooster's crow. He created life and it surrounds me here. I am awed by the greatness, goodness, and glory of God.

On the Inside

I've been MIA for quite a while so let me catch you up. Isaac crawled and walked and celebrated his first birthday. Bella got her hair cut. Irene found her half-brother Lance who ended up living with us for a while. Irene graduated from high school and moved out. We moved to a smaller house. I lost a gajillion pounds. We read some amazing books, got convicted spiritually, and started making changes. And through all the madness, Greg and I somehow managed to fall in love all over again.

Each one of those subjects could be a blog entry in itself. Maybe they will be eventually. But tonight, I'm easing my way back in... I just want to share what is on my heart right now.

The Holy Spirit.

I love how He lives inside of me. He's on the inside, where I keep all the uglies. You know what I'm talking about... the closets you don't let others into? The Holy Spirit of God lives in that closet. I wish I listened to Him more, acknowledged His presence, maybe cleaned up a little in there. And I wish He would consume me. I wish he'd just take over in there and do some major remodeling of the space. I'm reminded of a poem we studied in high school by John Donne:

Batter My Heart, Three-Person'd God

Batter my heart, three person'd God; for, you
As yet but knocke, breathe, shine, and seeke to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow mee,'and bend
Your force, to breake, blow, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt towne, to'another due,
Labour to'admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in mee, mee should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weake or untrue.
Yet dearley'I love you,'and would be loved faine,
But am betroth'd unto your enemie:
Divorce mee,'untie, or breake that knot againe,
Take mee to you, imprison mee, for I
Except you'enthrall mee, never shall be free,
Nor ever chast, except you ravish mee.



I don't have a chance in this world if the Spirit of God doesn't overcome me. I want to love God, but I need God to help me do that. I'm not capable in my own strength to love God the way He deserves to be loved. I get to caught up in MY life in MY own little world when I try to do it on my own. I get too wrapped up in my secret sins. When I'm not leaning on the Holy Spirit, I find that I'm on Facebook more than I am in the Word of God. When I'm not actively seeking to build my relationship with the Lord, I get easily distracted- laundry, phone calls, even ministry stuff. It has to be a conscious thing. It has to be a commitment. Because the reality is that my family is affected by my walk with the Lord, for better and for worse... if I'm not where I need to be with God, I'm shorter with my kids than I should be, and there's distance between Greg and I.

So back to commitment. It can't be a wake-up-in-the-morning-relaxing-with-a-cup-of-coffee ritual. I have two small children. Those mornings only actually happen about once a month. There are dirty diapers and smashed bananas and spilled glasses of milk and endless other distractions every single morning. I can't wait for the peaceful moment to arrive before I go to the Lord. I'll be waiting forever if I do.

As I'm sitting here, I'm hating this post because it's exactly, honestly where I'm at. I know I'm not alone, but isn't that so sad? Shouldn't my love for the Lord draw me to Him? Shouldn't it create such a passionate longing that I create moments to be with Him? That's what I do with my husband... how much more should it be for my Savior?

I'm praying tonight for Him to create a passion within me... "bend your Force to break, blow, burn, and make me new."

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Lost

I seem to have misplaced myself. I think I got buried under obligations and expectations, routines and ambiguity, materialism and conformity. Where did my personal quiet time go? What happened to bible study and time spent listening for the voice of the Lord? And introspection? Where'd that go? I've become complacent and it doesn't set well anymore. So I'm evicting the complacent imposter and committing to finding my true voice again, the one that dwells within the Lord, from whom I gain my strength and peace.

Through Him, I'm striving to become a healthier self, both physically and spiritually.

And one more thing. Africa and the calling that the Lord placed on my heart a few years ago is coming back to the surface, with increasing clarity. That road is waiting for me. I cannot wait to see where it leads!

Pause

Where have the last three months gone? Isaac's infancy seems to be flying by even faster than Bella's did and I feel an urgency to stop time altogether for a moment and just

pause.

Holding him close to my chest, I nestle his head beneath my chin, feeling the softness of his downy hair and the warmth of his body. There's nothing in the world like a baby-snuggle and I marvel at the miracle of his creation.

He's growing and changing so quickly that I find I've barely reconciled myself to one stage and he's on to the next. Isaac's sweet smiles have given way to laughter (first laugh 11-10-09) and his calm disposition to joyful recognition (now seeing me from across the room and melting my heart with cooing and smiles). He's reaching out for things that catch his eye and is able to grab them and pull them to his mouth. He rolled over for the first time last night (tummy to back). He loves the Christmas tree, but not quite as much as Dora or Elmo. Much to my chagrin, he's not the sling-baby that Bella was. He tolerates it sometimes, but it isn't the instant solution it was for Bella. It's fun to see their differences already. Unlike Bella, he loves his bouncy seat and will happily kick in it while I'm getting dinner ready.

I love nursing him because it's a wonderful excuse to cuddle. The early awkwardness of breastfeeding has long-since passed. He makes the softest, sweetest noises when he nurses and I fall in love with him all over again every time.

I often think of Jesus' mother Mary and how she must have felt holding Him as a babe. The Bible tells us that after the shepherds visited, "Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. " (Luke 2:19) And that's what I find myself doing as well.... treasuring this sweet baby boy and each tender moment with him. I've always loved the Christmas story, but am so thankful to be finding new insight in it.

Cute!

Heaven-sent

It was not love at first sight for Isaac and I. Oh, I was excited to meet him, enjoyed holding him and caring for him, and got a kick out of showing him off to others. But having experienced that all-encompassing love that you would expect a parent to have for their child with Bella, I knew that I wasn't there yet. The very first moment I held Bella in my arms, I was captivated. I fell head-over-heels for her and we bonded right away. But with Isaac things were different. I loved him, but I just wasn't anywhere near as attached to him as I was Bella. Until a couple weeks ago. That sweet boy started smiling at me and something inside of me flip-flopped and I was sold. This little guy is just the light of my days. I love having a baby in my arms, love to see his dark blue eyes looking up at me, and LOVE LOVE LOVE his sweet smile. He's grown and changed so much already. Where does the time go? I know the next few months will just fly by and so I'm praying that I'll treasure each and every day. Time is precious!

We gave our son the name Isaac William James Freeman. The name James comes from Greg's grandfather and William from mine. Last week I had the incredible pleasure of introducing my grandfather to his namesake. It was such a sweet moment for all of us and it made me so glad that we gave Isaac his name.

I look at Isaac now, sleeping peacefully beside me, and my heart just swells with love for him and thanksgiving to the God who blessed me with him!

If I only had one month to live...

Our church, Lake Christian Church, is doing a church-wide study based on the book "One Month to Live" by Kerry and Chris Shook. The idea is to examine yourself and your life and determine what changes you would make if you discovered you only had one month left to live. Would you spend more time with your family? Call those friends you've been meaning to but just never found the time? Evangelize more? Study the Bible more? Become more faithful in your prayer life? Go skydiving? Run a marathon? Forgive the person who hurt you years ago or ask for forgiveness yourself? It's about learning to live your life passionately, loving more completely, learning humbly, and preparing to leave boldly.

As I sit here this morning, looking at my sweet newborn baby boy, I can't help but think that if I only had thirty days left to live, I would hold him every moment of it. I am so thankful for him! He's such a gift to us, such an answered prayer. After so many years of infertility, to be blessed with Isaac just brings a fullness to my heart in a way that is so hard to put into words. It isn't because I finally conceived, but that the Lord blessed us. It's less about the biology of Isaac's arrival and more about the sweet way that the Lord lead us through this entire journey. Does that make sense? As a step-parent and an adoptive parent, I learned that the heart does not require biological ties in order to love unconditionally. I was blessed abundantly with Irene and Isabella in ways I didn't fully expect. Parenting them both has been more challenging and infinitely more rewarding than I had ever anticipated. Had I conceived when I had hoped to, it is likely that I'd never have had either of them. The gift of Isaac is the story of the Lord's sovereignty. It is the acknowledgement that He knows what is best for us and believing in the promises found in the book of Jeremiah.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 (New International Version)

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. [a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

Mother of Three

Wow, this post is delayed! Sorry friends! Our sweet Isaac finally arrived on September 4th at 23:23 after 39 hours of labor, weighing in at a whopping 9 lbs 15 oz! Pics soon, I promise!