This One Life

On the Inside

2010-10-12T23:05:00.000-04:00

I've been MIA for quite a while so let me catch you up. Isaac crawled and walked and celebrated his first birthday. Bella got her hair cut. Irene found her half-brother Lance who ended up living with us for a while. Irene graduated from high school and moved out. We moved to a smaller house. I lost a gajillion pounds. We read some amazing books, got convicted spiritually, and started making changes. And through all the madness, Greg and I somehow managed to fall in love all over again.

Each one of those subjects could be a blog entry in itself. Maybe they will be eventually. But tonight, I'm easing my way back in... I just want to share what is on my heart right now.

The Holy Spirit.

I love how He lives inside of me. He's on the inside, where I keep all the uglies. You know what I'm talking about... the closets you don't let others into? The Holy Spirit of God lives in that closet. I wish I listened to Him more, acknowledged His presence, maybe cleaned up a little in there. And I wish He would consume me. I wish he'd just take over in there and do some major remodeling of the space. I'm reminded of a poem we studied in high school by John Donne:

Batter My Heart, Three-Person'd God

Batter my heart, three person'd God; for, you
As yet but knocke, breathe, shine, and seeke to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow mee,'and bend
Your force, to breake, blow, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt towne, to'another due,
Labour to'admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in mee, mee should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weake or untrue.
Yet dearley'I love you,'and would be loved faine,
But am betroth'd unto your enemie:
Divorce mee,'untie, or breake that knot againe,
Take mee to you, imprison mee, for I
Except you'enthrall mee, never shall be free,
Nor ever chast, except you ravish mee.

I don't have a chance in this world if the Spirit of God doesn't overcome me. I want to love God, but I need God to help me do that. I'm not capable in my own strength to love God the way He deserves to be loved. I get to caught up in MY life in MY own little world when I try to do it on my own. I get too wrapped up in my secret sins. When I'm not leaning on the Holy Spirit, I find that I'm on Facebook more than I am in the Word of God. When I'm not actively seeking to build my relationship with the Lord, I get easily distracted- laundry, phone calls, even ministry stuff. It has to be a conscious thing. It has to be a commitment. Because the reality is that my family is affected by my walk with the Lord, for better and for worse... if I'm not where I need to be with God, I'm shorter with my kids than I should be, and there's distance between Greg and I.

So back to commitment. It can't be a wake-up-in-the-morning-relaxing-with-a-cup-of-coffee ritual. I have two small children. Those mornings only actually happen about once a month. There are dirty diapers and smashed bananas and spilled glasses of milk and endless other distractions every single morning. I can't wait for the peaceful moment to arrive before I go to the Lord. I'll be waiting forever if I do.

As I'm sitting here, I'm hating this post because it's exactly, honestly where I'm at. I know I'm not alone, but isn't that so sad? Shouldn't my love for the Lord draw me to Him? Shouldn't it create such a passionate longing that I create moments to be with Him? That's what I do with my husband... how much more should it be for my Savior?

I'm praying tonight for Him to create a passion within me... "bend your Force to break, blow, burn, and make me new."

Adoption + Coffee = Happiness

2010-01-08T10:54:00.001-05:00

Help my friends bring home their next child and get some great coffee to boot!

http://www.justlovecoffee.com/cross

Lost

2010-01-07T10:56:00.000-05:00

I seem to have misplaced myself. I think I got buried under obligations and expectations, routines and ambiguity, materialism and conformity. Where did my personal quiet time go? What happened to bible study and time spent listening for the voice of the Lord? And introspection? Where'd that go? I've become complacent and it doesn't set well anymore. So I'm evicting the complacent imposter and committing to finding my true voice again, the one that dwells within the Lord, from whom I gain my strength and peace.

Through Him, I'm striving to become a healthier self, both physically and spiritually.

And one more thing. Africa and the calling that the Lord placed on my heart a few years ago is coming back to the surface, with increasing clarity. That road is waiting for me. I cannot wait to see where it leads!

Pause

2009-12-15T15:52:00.000-05:00

Where have the last three months gone? Isaac's infancy seems to be flying by even faster than Bella's did and I feel an urgency to stop time altogether for a moment and just

pause.

Holding him close to my chest, I nestle his head beneath my chin, feeling the softness of his downy hair and the warmth of his body. There's nothing in the world like a baby-snuggle and I marvel at the miracle of his creation.

He's growing and changing so quickly that I find I've barely reconciled myself to one stage and he's on to the next. Isaac's sweet smiles have given way to laughter (first laugh 11-10-09) and his calm disposition to joyful recognition (now seeing me from across the room and melting my heart with cooing and smiles). He's reaching out for things that catch his eye and is able to grab them and pull them to his mouth. He rolled over for the first time last night (tummy to back). He loves the Christmas tree, but not quite as much as Dora or Elmo. Much to my chagrin, he's not the sling-baby that Bella was. He tolerates it sometimes, but it isn't the instant solution it was for Bella. It's fun to see their differences already. Unlike Bella, he loves his bouncy seat and will happily kick in it while I'm getting dinner ready.

I love nursing him because it's a wonderful excuse to cuddle. The early awkwardness of breastfeeding has long-since passed. He makes the softest, sweetest noises when he nurses and I fall in love with him all over again every time.

I often think of Jesus' mother Mary and how she must have felt holding Him as a babe. The Bible tells us that after the shepherds visited, "Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. " (Luke 2:19) And that's what I find myself doing as well.... treasuring this sweet baby boy and each tender moment with him. I've always loved the Christmas story, but am so thankful to be finding new insight in it.

Cute!

2009-10-28T17:58:00.000-04:00

Heaven-sent

2009-10-23T01:09:00.000-04:00

It was not love at first sight for Isaac and I. Oh, I was excited to meet him, enjoyed holding him and caring for him, and got a kick out of showing him off to others. But having experienced that all-encompassing love that you would expect a parent to have for their child with Bella, I knew that I wasn't there yet. The very first moment I held Bella in my arms, I was captivated. I fell head-over-heels for her and we bonded right away. But with Isaac things were different. I loved him, but I just wasn't anywhere near as attached to him as I was Bella. Until a couple weeks ago. That sweet boy started smiling at me and something inside of me flip-flopped and I was sold. This little guy is just the light of my days. I love having a baby in my arms, love to see his dark blue eyes looking up at me, and LOVE LOVE LOVE his sweet smile. He's grown and changed so much already. Where does the time go? I know the next few months will just fly by and so I'm praying that I'll treasure each and every day. Time is precious!

We gave our son the name Isaac William James Freeman. The name James comes from Greg's grandfather and William from mine. Last week I had the incredible pleasure of introducing my grandfather to his namesake. It was such a sweet moment for all of us and it made me so glad that we gave Isaac his name.

I look at Isaac now, sleeping peacefully beside me, and my heart just swells with love for him and thanksgiving to the God who blessed me with him!

If I only had one month to live...

2009-09-30T09:41:00.000-04:00

Our church, Lake Christian Church, is doing a church-wide study based on the book "One Month to Live" by Kerry and Chris Shook. The idea is to examine yourself and your life and determine what changes you would make if you discovered you only had one month left to live. Would you spend more time with your family? Call those friends you've been meaning to but just never found the time? Evangelize more? Study the Bible more? Become more faithful in your prayer life? Go skydiving? Run a marathon? Forgive the person who hurt you years ago or ask for forgiveness yourself? It's about learning to live your life passionately, loving more completely, learning humbly, and preparing to leave boldly.

As I sit here this morning, looking at my sweet newborn baby boy, I can't help but think that if I only had thirty days left to live, I would hold him every moment of it. I am so thankful for him! He's such a gift to us, such an answered prayer. After so many years of infertility, to be blessed with Isaac just brings a fullness to my heart in a way that is so hard to put into words. It isn't because I finally conceived, but that the Lord blessed us. It's less about the biology of Isaac's arrival and more about the sweet way that the Lord lead us through this entire journey. Does that make sense? As a step-parent and an adoptive parent, I learned that the heart does not require biological ties in order to love unconditionally. I was blessed abundantly with Irene and Isabella in ways I didn't fully expect. Parenting them both has been more challenging and infinitely more rewarding than I had ever anticipated. Had I conceived when I had hoped to, it is likely that I'd never have had either of them. The gift of Isaac is the story of the Lord's sovereignty. It is the acknowledgement that He knows what is best for us and believing in the promises found in the book of Jeremiah.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 (New International Version)

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. [a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

2009-09-24T00:23:00.000-04:00

Mother of Three

2009-09-20T23:56:00.000-04:00

Wow, this post is delayed! Sorry friends! Our sweet Isaac finally arrived on September 4th at 23:23 after 39 hours of labor, weighing in at a whopping 9 lbs 15 oz! Pics soon, I promise!

Home

2009-08-19T19:55:00.000-04:00

She's home. Unhappy, overwhelmed, angry, sad, and defiant, but home. More soon.

Nervous and Sad

2009-08-17T08:14:00.000-04:00

A couple weeks ago, Greg and I filed a petition called a CHINS (child in need of supervision) petition. The purpose of this petition is two-fold. Since Irene is a minor we are still financially responsible for anything that she may do. This petition will help protect us. Also, the petition provides services for children in need of them, ie. counseling, drug testing, etc. Essentially what will happen is that we will go before a judge and explain why we filed the petition and what concerns we as parents have about our child. Then Irene will have an opportunity to express her opinion. Finally, the judge will rule on what he thinks is best for Irene. She will be placed on juvenile probation and required to abide by all court instructions, including whatever services they deem necessary for her. She will most likely be ordered to come back home and to abide by our rules and expectations in a respectful manner. If she runs away again, is caught lying to us, skips school, misses her counseling sessions, or in any other way violates her probation, she will go back to court where the judge will determine a juvenile detention sentence of up to ten days. Repeated or severe offenses may result in her being placed in a residential treatment center or group home. The judge may decide to send her to a treatment center right away if he thinks it will best benefit her. We are expecting her to be angry and defiant, but have been assured by the probation officer that the kids in this program eventually resign to cooperate.

We learned yesterday that a member of our church works at the same place as the mother where Irene is staying right now. Apparently this church member has openly shared her opinion that she feels we are too strict with Irene and completely disagrees with the way we parent her. This makes me so sad... I am so weary of people passing judgement on how we parent our children. Have they walked in our shoes? Do they know the whole story? Do they know even a quarter of it? If I chastise my daughter or speak harshly to her, does that automatically make me a bad parent? Am I not human? Could there be more to the story than what is being seen by others? Do children generally come with an instruction booklet that tells parents how to handle perfectly each and every thing that comes up? If so, I appear to have lost ours. We are in general so thankful for our church family, but there have been a couple instances of judgement like this and it is beginning to make me want to keep to myself. Feeling so discouraged.

And all this is happening the week before my due date.

Speechless

2009-08-01T23:11:00.000-04:00

What a day. Just when we thought it couldn't really get worse, we were proven completely wrong. The lies continue and are spreading out into public domain- lies about why she left and lies about what we've told her since then. All broadcast on Facebook and Myspace. Lovely. And we can top that off by the absolutely disturbing things we discovered in her room today- much too graphic to discuss on the internet.

I'm completely overwhelmed. I'm angry, disgusted, discouraged, disappointed, and so hurt.

The next step

2009-07-27T11:40:00.000-04:00

Irene came by yesterday and collected her things. She told Greg that she is permanently moving out. He reiterated that we love her very much and she will always have a place to come home to. So that's where we're at. A half-empty room at the top of the stairs and hearts full of worry and sadness.

Isaac isn't handling the stress very well so Greg and I have decided that I should get away for a couple days. I'm heading to Charlotte to visit Cheryl and try to de-stress. Thank you so much for your support and continued prayers. They mean so much to us during this dark time.

Tough Stuff

2009-07-26T13:49:00.000-04:00

Some posts are easier to write than others. This is a tough one. In short, Irene has run away (again) and we are absolutely heartbroken. We haven't had any contact with her in over twenty-four hours and aren't even sure where she is. The only thing we are fairly certain about is that she has no intention of returning. She has become incredibly resentful of our authority and the boundaries that we have set. She has been talking about moving out for several months so that she can "do whatever she wants". We've watched with heavy hearts as she has turned against us and the Lord repeatedly, making absolutely devastating decisions. Greg and I have had to admit that at this point, there is very little more that we can do. We cannot even force her to stay under our roof, much less be respectful and obedient under it. We have no control over who she chooses to hang out with or what she chooses to do with them outside of our home.

My heart was absolutely breaking during church this morning and I could not stop the tears. Isaac was kicking quite a bit and it occurred to me that Irene won't be here when he arrives. Where will she be? Will she be safe? When will we see her again? How did we get to this point? What did we do or not do as parents that failed Irene? I replay the last week over and over again in my head, looking for missed opportunites, ashamed of the times I can see that I may have said the wrong thing. I look back over the five years that I've known her and wonder what else could I have done? Can I forgive myself for every failed conversation or every harsh word said? Can I forgive myself for the things I didn't do enough of? Did I live out the gospel in a way she could see it? Did I lift her up or tear her down? Did I show her the love of Christ? I know that no one is perfect, but I have to be honest with myself. The Lord and I have a lot of talking to do.

As you can imagine, Bella is very confused. She doesn't understand where Sissy is and has asked for her repeatedly. She witnessed an argument between Greg and Irene yesterday and only knows that Sissy was angry and then left. Bella broke my heart last night in the car when she told me that she would "be a good listener" and that she "wasn't angry like Sissy". She adores her Sissy, so as a mother I worry about what effect this will have on her. I hope and pray God gives me the wisdom that I need to help Bella through this.

We humbly ask for prayers of protection for Irene, for wisdom and guidance for Greg and I, and for peace for our whole family. Thank you.

Preparing for Baby

2009-06-17T10:06:00.000-04:00

I'm nesting :) There's baby stuff in our house again!

Isaac's coming home outfit and his first ball cap

The co-sleeper, which will attach to my side of the bed when Isaac comes home.

Tiny baby boy clothes, washed and put away.

A recliner in the corner for nursing and the changing table next to our bed...

Breast pump supplies on our kitchen counter!

2009-06-12T09:44:00.000-04:00

Keeping my blog updated has been really difficult lately, so I apologize! Things have been crazy around here lately. We had a wonderful visit from Brian and Cheryl and their boys... so much fun! The kids really enjoyed being together, so we're excited that we'll be seeing them again in a week and a half! Bella is going to benefit so much from having a young sibling- she needs to have another child to play with! I just wish she and Isaac were closer in age. Well, maybe not... lol. Let me say that I hope the age difference doesn't prevent them from being playmates. :)

We also took a family vacation to Williamsburg last week and had a wonderful time! We didn't do anything educational whatsoever... theme parks every day! (And let me tell you, my feet were not so thrilled with that!) The weather was great most of the time and the parks weren't crowded yet, so it was the perfect week to go! Water Country USA was a lot of fun. I was a little disappointed when I got there and saw that every single ride says that if you are pregnant you should not ride... especially since my OB had cleared me for the trip and told me there was nothing there that was going to hurt me! But, then I discovered the wave pool and everything was right in the world again! We also went to Busch Gardens several times and had a wonderful time there too! It's a beautiful park with pretty architecture and wonderful shade trees! LOL! You can tell what was important to me this vacation! We had breakfast with the Sesame Street characters and we all enjoyed that. The new Sesame Street Forest of Fun at Busch Gardens was great because they had good rides for little kids, but nowhere near enough seating or shade for hot, tired, and pregnant moms!

Also, Irene spoiled me rotten for Mother's Day with awesome tickets to a New Kids On The Block concert in Virginia Beach. It was the same week we were on vacation in Williamsburg, so it was convenient. We had a BLAST! The concert was awesome and, I think, the best show of the three we've seen this year!

We're doing Bradley Method birthing classes every week and we're really enjoying them. We're learning a lot about the birth process and I'm trying NOT to freak out! This baby is going to come out... oh dear! We're dedicated (read intensely dedicated) to having a natural, un-medicated childbirth so we're trying to do everything we can now to encourage that. We're in the process of interviewing doulas and have our final interview tomorrow. A doula is a labor assistant that has a great deal of knowledge of the birth process and can help keep mom and dad calm, help to keep labor moving by encouraging position changes, and help navigate the medical recommendations of the doctors and nurses. Studies have shown that having a doula present during the labor and delivery process dramatically reduces the likelihood of having a cesarean section and other medical interventions. So I'm really excited to make our decision and get started planning for our birth, which, by the way, is coming quickly!

Two of my friends, Cheryl and Liana, are throwing a baby shower for us and I'm so excited! My mom is coming all the way from Washington for the shower and it will be great to have her here for ten days! Not to mention how fun it will be to celebrate our little miracle baby with our friends here! I am still really enjoying pregnancy and am absolutely relishing this time in my life. Isaac is so active these days and feeling his movements never gets old! We can't wait to meet this little monkey of ours!

77 days and counting!

2009-05-21T08:45:00.000-04:00

Wow! Less than 100 days left in this pregnancy! Where does the time go?

Birthday week and other happenings

2009-05-11T21:30:00.000-04:00

Our birthday girl on the phone with her Maka (my mom) before school.

Celebrating with her class at school

I got a phone call from Bella's teacher that she wasn't feeling well and I should come pick her up early. When I picked her up, she was burning up with fever. We went home, put on some soft and snuggly pajamas, and settled down on the sofa. Little did I know at the time, this would continue for the next five days. The poor thing has been sick with an aweful cold and a high fever (104.5 at the highest!) all weekend. Her spirits perked up for presents after dinner- here's a couple pics of the birthday loot:

Here's the cake we had planned to serve at her party on Saturday. We decided Friday night to cancel the party since her fever was still terribly high and showing no signs of breaking.

These are from today. It was a pajama's day again. Bella's fever was finally down, but her cold symptoms were worse than ever. It didn't stop us from enjoying Mommy's new Mother's Day gift out in the front yard!

2009-05-01T12:47:00.001-04:00

Less than a week away from Bella's third birthday... where does the time go?

Sweet Memories

2009-04-28T09:42:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning and realized I was stiff from sleeping on my left side all night long. I must have been exhausted last night because I hadn't moved an inch! So, I stretched a little and then rolled to the other side. This must have woken Isaac up and perhaps irritated him a little because I immediately felt him kicking me on both sides! It was like he was also stretching :) Oh, I can't wait to see this sweet boy!

Imaginary Princesses

2009-04-20T10:31:00.000-04:00

Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty have both made appearances at our house in the last week, while we were in the shower. I admit to being a little caught off guard when Bella started talking to Cinderella one morning while I was shaving my legs! It's all about princesses these days. Princess movies, dolls, and costumes abound! So much fun!

Introducing Isaac

2009-04-14T22:46:00.000-04:00

Words cannot express how I feel tonight. I met my son today. My son. My son. How I love him already! How I cried when I could finally call him by name! How I praised the Lord for him, for this answered prayer, this miracle baby, our Isaac.

Over the moon!

The Night Before

2009-04-13T23:50:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow we're having another ultrasound and will hopefully be finding out the baby's gender. I have always wanted to find out... it never even crossed my mind to wait until the end and be surprised. I want to know so I can call this baby by name. I want to be able to plan for the baby, buy things for the baby, write letters to the baby, and have all these things be personalized. I can't wait to stop saying "it" or "the baby" and start saying him or her! Oh, sweet baby, what a moment it will be when I learn who you are!!!

I keep thinking that our moment tomorrow will be similar to those who were open to gender with their adoption and were told at referral what they were having...

Easter and baby belly pics

2009-04-13T17:47:00.000-04:00

A peek back in time

2009-03-26T16:32:00.000-04:00

Seriously, how cute is this face?!?

Capturing Memories, Part Two

2009-03-20T15:14:00.000-04:00

The First Trimester
aka The Period In Which You Feel Like You Have The Flu

That's exactly what it felt like to me. I'd have hours when I felt ok and then the queasiness would creep up on me. Having an empty stomach was the worst feeling in the world. For the first two weeks that I knew I was pregnant, I pretty much existed solely on Saltine crackers, macaroni & cheese, and ginger ale. Meat and eggs completely lurched my stomach. Slowly, I found that salads were on the list of things my tummy would tolerate, but only with Italian dressing (not my favorite usually). Oranges, however, were not on the list. Smoothies I could do, as long as they were yogurt based, and I had one almost every day. I was amazed at how many of my favorite foods no longer appealed to me and surprised at the things I was craving. As the weeks passed, the queasiness slowly faded and by week 12 I was pretty much done with morning sickness.

I was exhausted in my first trimester. This is a fatigue that goes beyond just wishing for a nap. It's better described as being so tired that you feel it deep in your bones. It's a mixture of sleepiness and fatigue-- think of how you might feel if you stayed up all night long and then ran a marathon. I felt like that every single day. I could not get through a day without a nap and I was sleeping at least ten hours every night. My days were spent on the sofa (or the floor or another sitting/laying location). Exercise? No way. I was too tired to even drive. We saved a ton of money on gas that first month because I didn't go anywhere!

Other symptoms:
Gassy -- This was horrifying for me because I'm just not a person who passes gas... I'd rather die than pass gas in front of another human being. Sadly, try though I might, I found that I couldn't always control it... Ugh!

Constipation -- More fun.

Cramping -- I felt pulling/cramping/aching in my abdomen almost my entire first trimester, which I read was normal but it still made me anxious.

Headaches -- Oh this was the WORST for me. Sometime Tylenol helped and other times not so much. It was awful because nothing seemed to help.

Sinus stuffiness/dryness - What in the world does this have to do with pregnancy?? It just irritates me because it's just one more thing to prevent good sleep.

Urinating frequently -- Speaking of things that prevent good sleep, this was also a culprit for me. Having always been a good drinker, I tend to normally visit the restroom more frequently than most people so I didn't really notice a difference during the day. At night was a different story altogether.

Moodiness -- Can you say cranky?? It's amazing I'm still married.

Breast tenderness -- One of the first symptoms to pop up for me, I was tender for weeks before I even knew I was pregnant.

Doesn't it sound like fun? It wasn't really all that horrible, but it wasn't super fun either ;)

The First Doctor's Visit

What I want to remember from this visit is the emotions I felt during the ultrasound. The doctor did a trans-vaginal ultrasound and I remember gasping as the image of our baby came onto the screen. As soon as the doctor could see the beating heart, she sent for my husband. Once he came in, the doctor did her best to explain what we were seeing. Whatever she said went in one ear and out the other. I was just glued to that image on the screen. Our miracle. Then the doctor turned on the sound and pinpointed the heartbeat for us. At that sound, the tears just streamed down my face. The baby was healthy and safe- praise the Lord! Finally, the doctor told us that at that point we had a less than 5% chance of a miscarriage and the relief I felt with that knowledge was more than I could hold in. I'd been praying and worrying about miscarrying for two weeks and now I could rest easy. More tears.

Thoughts

The first trimester was a roller-coaster of emotions. I was thrilled to be pregnant, but shocked. I was happy one minute, then I was scared. I was confident, then apprehensive. I remember one afternoon I was just weeping because I realized the effect this baby would have on my relative freedom. I went from being able to go wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted to the realization that those days were long gone.I thought of all the wonderful traveling Bella and I did last year, and I just cried that I wouldn't be able to do that anymore.

There were lots of moments of tremendous joy, though, too. Announcing to friends and family that I was pregnant was one of the most fun things I've ever done. I treasure those memories, those reactions. I particularly like the tearful ones and the screaming ones.. you know who you are! I'll always remember that first trip to Barnes & Noble to look at pregnancy books the day we found out we were pregnant. I stood in the aisle filled with awe as I got my first glimpse of what the baby looked like that week. The baby was so teeny tiny and yet such a little person already!

Capturing Memories, Part One

2009-03-11T21:17:00.000-04:00

While Bella was snoozing next to me this afternoon, I lay awake, exhausted but unable to rest my mind. That's normal for me these days. Today it occurred to me that in just a few weeks, I'll be at the half-way point in my pregnancy. It's gone by so quickly and now I'm scrambling. I don't want to forget anything about this pregnancy. This is my little miracle baby and these months of preparation are precious to me. Already the queasiness of the first couple months has begun to fade from my memory...So, forgive me if this is a little too much information, but I want to capture some of these memories before they fade away completely.

I was seven weeks and two days along in my pregnancy when I took the pregnancy test, so I already had nearly two months under my belt. Even though I was late for my cycle (which isn't unusual for me with my PCOS anyway), the three weeks prior I definitely felt like something was a little "off" but nothing so drastic as to send me running to the drugstore for a test. I was convinced I was going to begin my cycle at any minute because I was definitely crampy and had all my typical premenstrual symptoms. When I was about a week and half late I started taking naps with Bella in the afternoons. I was exhausted! I'd talk with my best friend Cheryl every couple of days and would whine periodically about the fact that I was late. Then, when I was three weeks late, I called Cheryl and asked her to describe how she felt when she was newly pregnant... I think I was just beginning to wonder if, indeed, I could actually be pregnant. The more she described how she had felt pregnant, the more I wondered. She encouraged me to take a pregnancy test, but I wasn't ready. I just couldn't face another negative test. I rationalized that I'd never been more than four weeks late, so I intended to wait until I was four weeks and two days late - just to make sure! Certainly it wouldn't hurt to wait another week or so, would it?

The next morning I asked Greg to go get bagels for breakfast because I wasn't feeling very good. When he came home with blueberry instead of cinnamon raisin, I took one look at that bagel and said "I won't eat that." Fortunately, he had also brought plain bagels, and that sounded much better, so he fixed one up for me with some sour cream. He brought it to me and I took a bite. My stomach lurched. I couldn't even chew it... the bite came right back out, I apologized profusely, and went back to bed. I lay there all day, sleeping and feeling queasy, munching on Saltine crackers and wondering. That evening was the "winter party" for Greg's office and I was in no condition to go. After he left, I drug myself out of bed and wandered into Irene's room to see if she would be willing to run to the store for me. She said "Sure, what do you need?" and I said "A pregnancy test?". She looked at me like I had two heads and said, basically, sorry, but that's too awkward... I don't know what even possessed me to ask her! Of course it's too awkward for a 16-year-old! Pregnancy insanity was already setting in! So, I put my hair in a pony tail and went to CVS. I remember standing in that aisle, overwhelmed by the selection of tests and wondering if it really made a bit of difference which one I bought (something I've wondered ever since I was twenty and began this journey). At home, I decided to wait and take the test first thing in the morning as they always recommend. I didn't say a word to Greg when he came home late that night.

The next morning was Sunday and we were in our typical before-church routine. Greg and I were chatting as we were getting ready- he was in the shower and I was puttering around in the bathroom. While we were talking, I decided to take the test. I very carefully removed the wrapper, trying to keep it quiet and talking all the while to cover any rustling noises. I took the test and as I set it down I realized that it was positive...just like that! No waiting! Everything stopped in the world. Greg was still talking but I wasn't listening anymore. The "processing line" that is supposed to let you know that the test is working hadn't even come up yet so I wondered if this one was a dud. I waited about ten seconds (or an eternity) and the processing line finally came up. Nothing else changed... it was still VERY positive.. as bold and beautiful as the one on the box. My hand was trembling as I picked up the test. I was in absolute shock. All the thoughts I'd ever had about coming up with a neat and fun way to tell my husband we were expecting went right out of my head. This was HUGE! There was no way I could wait and tell him in some unique way. I couldn't even speak!!! So, I stood there, unmoving, unblinking, until he got out of the shower. He took one look at me and asked what was wrong. I walked over to him and held up the test for him to see. He looked at it and got the biggest smile on his face. "You're pregnant. You're PREGNANT!" and then he gave me the biggest hug ever, saying "you're pregnant" over and over again in my ear. It was perfect. I think somewhere in the back of my head I was bracing for Greg to be upset. We'd see-sawed back and forth so many times on the issue of extending our family that I wasn't 100% sure of his reaction. But, it was perfect. Two hours later I got to go to church and praise God for this blessing, which was perfect timing for me! I couldn't have waited much longer!

Better Late Than Never

2009-03-10T15:16:00.001-04:00

I know I promised these last week, but better late than never, right?

While I'm at it, I may as well post pics from Bella's first day at school (she started right after Christmas). Enjoy!

Winter Wonderland

2009-03-02T08:40:00.000-05:00

We've got over six inches this morning and it's still falling! We're headed outside to play! I'll get pics up tonight!

Baby Countdown

2009-02-20T14:05:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to let y'all know I added a pregnancy ticker to the bottom of the blog so you can count down with us! :)

Ultrasound #2, 12 weeks 3 days

2009-02-17T09:18:00.000-05:00

Ultrasound is such amazing technology. Yesterday Greg and I watched in amazement as our child kicked and stretched and flipped over inside my womb! He or she was very busy in there. Why don't they invent an affordable ultrasound for home use? I'd much rather watch my child all night than any television show!

Seeing the baby move really brings the pregnancy into focus. I'm beginning to realize that there really is a baby in there and that at some point it's going to come out! Wow. Maybe I shouldn't get that far ahead of myself. Or maybe I should actually begin to get serious. I have had almost no interest in looking at baby things yet, though I need practically everything. Without knowing the gender, it's hard to pick anything. Or maybe that's just my excuse. In fact, it's probably just an excuse. The reality is that I'm going through a gigantic ambivalence phase. I'm finding that for the first time in my life, I just don't really care about much. Well, that's not quite it. It's more like this: I care, but can't possibly be motivated to do anything about it. I'm chalking it up to pregnancy fatigue and crazy brain and hoping it goes away soon. If not, I'll have to hire someone to be me for a while because our bathroom REALLY needs to be cleaned!

And apparently I ramble.

Without further ado (or crazy pregnancy brain antics), I present the pictures from our ultrasound yesterday.

Our baby at 12 weeks 3 days. In the last two pictures the baby has their back to us. Notice the kick in photo number 2.

A big girl!

2009-02-13T11:44:00.000-05:00

Bella finally decided that she was ready to use the potty! She showed a little interest last year, but then quickly changed her mind. We waited (and waited and waited and waited) and then, out of the blue, last week she decided she was ready and started requesting to use the potty. I'm proud to say she is keeping her panties dry ALL DAY while she's awake, including trips to the store. Such a big girl!

Pregnant Thoughts

2009-02-10T14:09:00.001-05:00

I'm pregnant! What a miracle after all these years of infertility! To say that I was shocked when the test turned positive is a gigantic understatement. Time stopped completely. I just stared at the test, unable to speak or move. It's been a roller-coaster ride emotionally ever since.

What does it feel like to finally have your prayers answered? What will this pregnancy mean for our family? What sacrifices will we need to make for the baby? How long is the list of things we need to buy in the next several months? Is the baby healthy? How will Bella handle the transition from youngest to big sister? Will the kids share rooms, even if it's a boy? How much weight will I gain? How can I avoid gestational diabetes and pregnancy induced hypertension with my increased risks for each of them? How and when will this baby come out??? My mind is filled with questions about everything, from the mundane to the hypothetical. I'm certain that some of it is just these wacky hormones tacked on to my natural inclination to worry.

I believe that God has a divine plan and that all life is created according to His will. Having said that, I want you to notice the mercy of our God. Throughout years of infertility, he never allowed hope to disappear from my heart. What a gift that is! He knew all along that my prayers would be answered in His time. He knows the child growing within me because it has been part of His plan all along.

When I first began the journey of pursuing pregnancy, I was twenty years old and married to my first husband. My doctor was surprised that I wasn't able to conceive after trying for a year. Further diagnostics revealed that I had a condition called polycystic ovary syndrome. At the time, not much was known about the condition and possible medical treatments were experimental. My husband and I decided to try a combination of medications designed to encourage ovulation. For over six months I struggled with the side effects of these meds, each month hoping that we would conceive. Eventually, I decided that my body had had enough. I never considered going further with fertility treatments. For me, the answer was adoption. Unfortunately, my husband didn't agree. We divorced after four years of marriage.

A couple years later, I met Greg. He was absolutely supportive of anything I wanted to try in order to expand our family. We decided to see our doctor about possible treatments for my PCOS and try for a year. I was put on Metformin for six months without any visible success. At that point, my doctor switched my medication to Actos, but we were already feeling the call to adopt. We began to pursue our adoption of Isabella. After just a few months of being on Actos, my cycles regulated for the first time in my life! I couldn't believe it! But still, we didn't conceive and, really at that point, we weren't concerned. We were very much anticipating our newest daughter.

Fast forward a couple years to our return home from Guatemala. Greg and I began to have discussions on how we would bring our next child into our home, only this time around the conversations weren't as easy. Our adoption of Isabella was really tough on our family financially and emotionally. We eventually came to the decision to just give it up to God. We planned to try to conceive for two years, all the while beginning to save money for another adoption. If we hadn't conceived within two years, we would adopt. We made this agreement in October and were pregnant six weeks later. We never in a million years expected it to happen so quickly!

Many people have different stories than mine and have experienced infertility in a way I cannot relate to. I've heard many women say that they needed to grieve the loss of fertility completely before they could pursue adoption. I've never walked in their shoes. For me, they have always been separate issues. I longed for a child and received a beautiful daughter through adoption. I never ceased longing to be pregnant as well. I'm thrilled that the Lord has answered my prayers, knowing every single day what a blessing this child is!

I stated earlier that God has a divine plan and that each life is created according to His will. This is no less true for Bella. Although I can't know for sure, I suspect that the reason I didn't conceive sooner was because God had already chosen Bella for our family. The same is true for Irene. I needed to be her mom first and she needed some time to feel unique and special.

Today I have the amazing privilege of being a step-mother, adoptive mother, and birth mother. What an amazing blessing!

The reason I've been missing for a while

2009-01-29T07:55:00.000-05:00

Please praise God with us for this wonderful little miracle! I'm ten weeks now and still feeling the effects of morning sickness, hence the fact that I haven't posted in a while. Everyone says I'll feel better in a few weeks, so I'll see ya then! :)

Wahooo!

2009-01-16T15:34:00.000-05:00

New Kids On The Block just announced new spring tour dates and I need to start being really nice to Greg!!!

Bella's first answered prayer

2009-01-08T10:48:00.000-05:00

This morning as we were walking out to the car to take Bella to school, she noticed that it had begun to snow. Now, a little background information is helpful here so I'll let y'all know that we've been praying for snow off and on for a good two months now (mostly so Bella can wear her snowpants!). Anyway, as she was looking at the snow falling, I could literally see her wheels turning. Realization dawned on her and she said "Mommy, God made it snow."

"Yes He did! Isn't that great?"

And then my little girl looked up at the sky and shouted at the top of her lungs "THANK YOU GOD!"

*These are the treasures that I store up in my heart.

Christmas Review :)

2009-01-06T10:13:00.000-05:00

Playing Mary with her baby Jesus

This is LONG overdue, I know! We had a wonderful Christmas! We enjoyed having Greg's parents and sister with her family stay with us for several days over the holiday. I don't have anywhere near enough pictures and am relying on copies of Granny's pictures to fill in the blanks. Both Bella and Irene were spoiled this year! Bella got the baby doll she had asked Santa for and also a new kitchen. She loves both and they are giving her lots of experience with pretend play. She also received a dress up trunk full of princess clothes which she adores! So much fun! Irene's favorite gift was her dolphin! That's right... she got her very own dolphin this year! My parents adpoted one for her while they were in Hawaii. She was so touched and excited she teared up! Anyway, here are some miscellaneous pics for you to enjoy!

Cute matching jammies!

Greg's sister Amy with her husband and two boys. They are expecting a little girl in March!

'Working' on her new computer, sitting just like Daddy does with his laptop.
This is one happy girl!

My nephew got a chocolate fountain for Christmas (by request!)

Bella LOVED it
Maybe a little too much

Three Days 'Till Christmas

2008-12-22T10:12:00.000-05:00

...and all through the house, every creature was stirring, even the mouse (in the garage!). We are crazy busy here getting ready for family coming in today and tomorrow. We are going to have a houseful of guests all week, but I promise to come right back with stories and pictures galore! In the meantime, Merry Christmas! May God bless you this season and in the coming new year!

P.S. Fun Christmas tidbits:

1. Bella has asked Santa Clause for a baby doll this year.
2. Bella has been singing "Yes, Key Kaws (Santa Clause) bring me baby doll" to the tune of Jesus loves me
3. My favorite was when she sang the above song at the top of her lungs in Walmart!
4. Bella loves to dress up like Mary and carry her own Baby Jesus- wait till you see the pictures!
5. Gingerbread men are the "cookie with face"

I love the season from the bottom of my heart. Seeing it through the eyes of a toddler brings me such joy! I love it!

Cookies, cookies, and more cookies

2008-12-11T09:53:00.000-05:00

'Tis the season to be baking, fa la la la la, la la la la.

Just as the season began, catastrophe struck and our hand mixer died. I began to have heart palpitations imagining all the cookies and tamales and potatoes that could never be without a mixer. Fortunately, I have a very sensible husband who calmly suggested I go buy a new mixer, and one that will last for a while. I headed to Bed Bath & Beyond armed with a 20% off coupon and got myself a new best friend. Here she is. Isn't she lovely? Her name is Vanessa.

Vanessa and I have been busy ever since. Sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, snickerdoodles, gingerbread cookies, and icing galore!

Bella and Irene making snickerdoodles

Cheese!

Irene hard at work with the gingerbread men

Our army of oddly clad cookie men

Jesus with his mommy and daddy, according to Bella

2008-12-05T14:08:00.000-05:00

A couple more

2008-12-03T10:11:00.000-05:00

Katie and I

The largest and most gorgeous wedding party in history!

The Wedding, Part 2

2008-12-01T20:58:00.000-05:00

Eliot running down a country road!

Sigh. Doesn't it feel like a home? I loved it there.

It's taken me a while to sit and write this. I'd love to use all the easy excuses (like Thanksgiving, for example), but honestly it just comes down to one thing; my heart was so full I could barely process everything. I needed a week of reality before I could sit down and try to relay to others what my time in Texas meant to me. I left on Wednesday, the 19th and was gone until Sunday night. By myself. For the first time since having Bella, I went somewhere without her. I had such mixed feelings about it. I missed her like crazy, but in the end, I was so grateful for the uninterrupted time I had with my dear friends.

What everyone wants to know is what it was like to a) be re-united with Katie and Melissa and b) be there for Melissa's wedding. I'll try and tackle "b" first.

Because I was there early, I was able to be a part of a lot of the pre-wedding stuff like making bouquets and decorating the church and reception hall. We had a blast Thursday just hanging out together and watching everything unfold. The reception hall went under a dramatic transformation and turned out so pretty! And the nice thing about working together on these projects was the time it gave us to get to know Melissa's other friends. There were fourteen bridesmaids! It was like one long, extended slumber party! So much fun!

Melissa, the night before her wedding

One of my roomies on this trip, Sarah!

Melissa making arrangements while decorating the reception hall on Thursday

My other roomie, Catherine, who has been Melissa's friend since they were babies!

Katie, looking gorgeous and acting silly!

Melissa and her mom at Mel's bridal shower

Saturday, Melissa was calm and radiantly beautiful. There is no other way to describe her. She was glowing with excitement, but sure and certain. Regal. I've known Mel almost two years and have never seen her like that. It was a particular beauty that came from within herself and it took your breath away. What a privilege it was to be there and be a part of her day! Something remarkable about Melissa: she took time on her wedding day to do the hair of all of her little sisters, herself, and her best friend!

The wedding was emotional. I've never felt the Holy Spirit during a wedding ceremony like I did last Saturday. The presence of the Spirit in that sanctuary was palpable. The music was gorgeous. Just like their own lives, the ceremony for Scott and Melissa focused not on themselves, but on Christ. I was blessed by being there.

On to "a" and what it was like to be with my girls again. There are no words. It was as if not a day had gone by. Except we're all wiser these days. The time we spent in Antigua together bonded us as friends, but our individual struggles there and beyond have seasoned us. Oh, it felt good to be there. And it was so much fun! Katie delights me. She's funny, ridiculous,thoughtful, intelligent, insightful and I could go on and on (and she would like me to!). Spending four days with her was like having a gigantic band-aid placed over my heart. Spending those four days celebrating with Melissa was icing on the cake. It did my heart good. Let's do it again soon, girls! Miss you and love you both!

My new favorite picture

Eliot striking a pose

Katie being silly with my camera after breakfast

Katie and I

And Mary Margaret: I love you, sister.

Teaser

2008-11-24T13:51:00.000-05:00

More soon. Laundry first.

Tamale Recipe!

2008-11-18T16:00:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again, my friends. I've had several requests for my tamale recipe so I thought I'd put it up here for all the world to see :) For those of you not accustomed to Guatemalan traditions yet, tamales are traditionally served on Christmas Eve (at midnight!) with a cup of hot chocolate and a slice or two of crusty bread.

This recipe is a combination of three recipes - one part from our housekeeper in Guatemala, one part from the book "Favorite Recipes From Guatemala", and one part from the Maseca recipe on the bag of masa mix. I tried to keep it simple but authentic and delicious. I hope you enjoy them!

Tamales Colorados

-Sauce-
4 lbs of tomatoes
1/4 lb tomatillos
2 onions
6 red bell peppers
4 chile guaques (can substitute chile guajillos)
1/4 tsp achiote (annatto)
3-6 tablespoons of lard or shortening
salt

Place all vegetables and chiles in water and bring to a boil, then simmer for thirty minutes. Then take the vegetables out, strain, and add to blender. Puree. Add 3 tablespoons of lard or shortening to a large pot, heat over medium heat until melted. Pour in vegetable puree and cook over medium heat for fifteen minutes. If your sauce is not very red and you would like it redder, add the achiote. Salt to taste. Also add additional lard or shortening to taste. Can be prepared a day in advance.

-Filling-
4 lbs banana leaves frozen or 14 fresh banana leaves (can substitute foil if you cannot find banana leaves)
Kitchen twine
3 lbs raw chicken, turkey, or pork
2 red bell peppers, sliced

-Masa Dough-
(instructions on the bag of Maseca for Tamales)
2 cups maseca (corn flour)
2 cups broth
1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
2/3 cups lard or shortening

This dough recipe is only a partial recipe, taken directly from the Maseca bag. You must increase it depending on how many tamales you would like to make. I lost count of exactly how many times I made this recipe! It takes exactly one bag to make enough tamales for the above sauce recipe, but I don't remember how many cups are in the bag- sorry!

Put corn flour, baking powder, and salt in a bowl. Mix well. Beat lard or shortening until fluffy. Add dry mixture to lard, add broth, and mix with your hands to remove any lumps. Then beat until the dough is a spongy texture. Chill for at least an hour.

Prepare your banana leaves by tearing into 12" squares and placing in hot water for ten minutes to soften them.

To assemble the tamales:

Place two leaf squares in front of you, smooth side up. Put one cup of dough in the center. Make a well in the center of the dough, building up the sides. Spoon 1/3 cup sauce into the center of the dough. Place raw meat in the sauce and place two bell pepper strips on either side of it. You want your tamales to end up rectangular, so you will fold your tamales in thirds. Fold the bottom leaves up and over the dough, snugly. Then pull the top section down, over the first. Then bring in your sides- just a simple fold up. The folding needs to be as snug as possible. Now take your twine and wrap it around the middle section, turn, and wrap lengthwise and tie a knot just as you would a brown paper parcel. If you have no leaves, use foil and seal your ends with double folds. You will not need twine.

Once the tamales are assembled, place in large pot- stacked however you can get them in, as tight as possible. Fill the pot 2/3 full of water, cover, bring to boil, and then simmer on medium heat until meat is cooked (1-2 hours depending on how many tamales are in the pot, how tight the seal is , etc.) Freeze or serve immediately. If you freeze them, reheat by steaming.

Autumn Leaves

2008-11-17T13:51:00.000-05:00

I've said it before, but it's worth repeating; I love the fall! I love the crispness in the air, the gorgeous trees, the harvest fruits and vegetables... I'm a happy girl these days. 'Tis the season for soups and other comfort foods that warm you up from the inside out. Today it was a creamy tomato bisque for lunch. Mmmmm....

Helping Daddy
JUMP!

Resting
Ashes, ashes, we all fall down!
RUN!

Where's Bella?
Peek-a-boo!
A very tall mound of leaves...
with a Bella inside!

Family Day

2008-11-10T15:37:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe that we have reached this milestone. There were so many days during our extraordinarily long adoption that I wondered if this day would ever come. When Greg and I signed with our adoption agency in February of 2006, most Guatemalan adoptions were processing in 4-6 months. Two months into our adoption, I moved to Guatemala to be with Bella for the next "couple" months while everything was completed. Little did I know at that time the journey I was actually embarking on. To say we hit a couple roadblocks along the way is a dramatic understatement. From the week I moved to Guatemala, there were serious complications with our adoption that made every single step more difficult. And beyond those complications, our file kept getting stuck in bureaucratic red tape. Guatemala is famous for "changing the rules" as they go along. One of those changes caused our file to get stuck. Really stuck. So stuck that our agency was concerned our adoption may not be possible to complete. All the while, I was living with this baby and loving her more each moment we were together.

2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Each day was a battle against the enemy and his lies. Each day I had to capture all the thoughts of "What if they can't fix this problem?" and "What would I do if they come to take her away?" and other horrible thoughts like that. Each day I had to reaffirm my faith that God is in control. I had to willingly choose to trust and believe. The thoughts came back over and over again, but every single time I would take them captive, God blessed me with peace. What a gift that was during those long months.

All together, our adoption took a little over seventeen months to complete- MUCH longer than we had anticipated. I lived fifteen of those months in Guatemala, apart from my husband and support system. Needless to say, the day that all four of us got on a plane in Guatemala, heading for the United States, was an emotional day for us. We were victorious! Never have we felt so elated, so exhausted, so emotionally raw, and so, so relieved in all of our lives.

We celebrated our first anniversary of that day yesterday. We're calling it Family Day. It was fun to reminisce about what we were doing this time last year and how we were feeling. We went to our favorite Mexican Restaurant for dinner and then came home and had some cake. It was pretty low-key. I've been telling Bella her story of how she came to be part of our family for a while now. She doesn't really understand it yet, but I don't think we're too far away from the first bits of understanding. In the future, we'll spend more time on Bella's Family Day looking at pictures and talking about the journey.

November 9, 2007
At the airport in Guatemala City

Luggage!

Plane number one

Layover in Houston

At Cracker Barrel that night for dinner on US soil!

November 9, 2008

We are so blessed!

Check this out!

2008-11-07T08:07:00.000-05:00

From the company's homepage:
Now that 45 percent of U.S. children under age 5 are part of a minority group, and as Americans become more attuned to their heritage and less likely to speak only English, demand is increasing for culturally relevant toys and products for Hispanic Americans, African Americans, Asian Americans and increasingly Central and Eastern European Americans, (CEEA).

JamboKids dolls and storybook characters represent a range of cultures — Asian, African, Hispanic, North American, and Russian — reflecting the growing cultural diversity of U.S. society. Through their adventures, JamboKids inspire kids to appreciate differences that they may encounter in our own culture and prepare them for a global world by modeling life skills and values that promote cognitive development, emotional maturity, social awareness, civic mindedness, and other virtues that are universally valued by people across the world.

Now, as a disclaimer, I haven't read any of the books yet so I can't tell you about content, but I think the concept here is great! I will definitely be getting Bella one for Christmas. To learn more and shop for these dolls and books, go to http://www.jambokids.com

Catch-up

2008-11-06T22:01:00.000-05:00

We've had some very frustrating computer issues for the last week and I have really gotten behind. I apologize to everyone who has been itching for some Bella Halloween pics. Without further ado:

Halloween

And one from last year:

Fun with stickers:

And just for fun, from one year ago today:

Something slightly deeper coming soon. With some amazing pics. Wait for it.

Stepping Out

2008-10-28T22:03:00.000-04:00

The general rule of thumb at our church is "You spot it, you got it". If you happen to notice that one of the light bulbs in the bathroom is burnt out and you mention it to anyone on staff, they will happily tell you where you can find the supply closet. If you think it would be nice to have pretty mums planted in the front garden, you can count on spending some time in those flower beds. You spot it, you got it. You would think that this philosophy would discourage communication, and it may impede it to some degree, but I am continually surprised at how successful it is. We are encouraged to do away with the thought that we are consumers of "church" and that the church we attend exists to serve us. Instead, we are challenged to serve, just as Jesus did.

"Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. --Matthew 20: 26-28"

So, knowing this, I admit that when I felt like I could really benefit from a women's bible study, I didn't say a word to anyone! I knew the church philosophy and agreed with it. In fact, I was convicted during my prayer time repeatedly over this. I felt as though God was nudging me, gently at first and then stronger, towards women's ministry. But I resisted. I kept telling myself I wasn't ready or that I didn't know enough or that I didn't have childcare. The list went on and on.

About three months ago, I had a discussion with my friend Liana that really turned the tide. She and her husband Jim host our small group at their house on Tuesday nights. The group has been meeting for three years now and Liana was sharing with me that Jim was getting burnt out. Apparently, he had mentioned to her that he was considering having everyone in the group rotate teaching. Now, before this, Liana and I had discussed this exact thing and I had told her emphatically that I would not do that because it was too far out of my comfort zone. So, knowing how I felt, Liana told Jim that she didn't think everyone would be willing to participate. Jim's response then was that he needed to find a co-facilitator and that the best person in our group would be me. Of course, Liana told him she didn't think I would want to and that was that. Except that Liana shared that discussion with me. And you know what? For the first time, I considered it. What a difference it made to hear that someone thought I was capable.

So when Jim brought this up to the group, and publicly asked for volunteers to co-facilitate, I started to ask a few questions. I was blown away by what happened next. Everyone in the group began to encourage me. There was a chorus of "Oh, that would be great!" and "Oh, you'd be perfect for it". I was stunned. All along I'd been feeling incapable and inadequate and here was an entire group of people that not only believed I was capable, but was actually encouraging me to do it. Wow.

There was another gentleman in our group that came forward that night as well and so the three of us have begun to rotate leading. I lead our group for the first time two weeks ago and it went really well. After that, I knew that all my fears and hesitations about leading a women's group were unfounded and could be conquered. Tonight, after our study, Jim asked me if I would be willing to pursue starting a new group and I said yes.
My yes was to God.
Yes, Lord, I will step onto the path you've set before me.
Yes, I am willing to go where you send me.
Thanks for believing in me.

A thought for tonight: Who in your life could you give encouragement to? Do you see a special skill or ability or gift in someone that you think they are unaware of? Tell them! Who knows where it could lead.

Applesauce!

2008-10-27T10:45:00.000-04:00

After picking our apples last week, I spent an evening making homemade applesauce. I've never made applesauce before, so it was a totally new experience for me. It was surprisingly easy and the applesauce is delicious! I made twelve jars and one is already gone! I think I'll head back up to the orchard to pick up some more apples. I don't think eleven jars will get us through the year, and I love the idea of not having to buy applesauce. It's so great to serve food to my family that I know is healthy and without any preservatives!

We started with these:

Then I peeled, cored, and quartered them and tossed them in the pot with some yummy ingredients:

Then filled jars to freeze:

The delicious result:

Next up? Using the Granny Smith apples we picked to pre-make pie filling for the holidays. Oh, and I've got a few more pie pumpkins to bake up and make puree out of. I'll freeze the puree and use it for soups, pies, and breads this fall and winter. I've already got 12 cups of frozen pumpkin puree. Yay!

Is anyone else canning/freezing/preserving this season? I'd love some more ideas!

Starting Over Tomorrow

2008-10-23T22:49:00.000-04:00

Ephesians 6:13 "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."

I needed that armor today. Verse 16 mentions the flaming arrows that the evil one will shoot at us. Greg and I have been dodging those all week! The arrows have come in all sizes, from little stings of inconvenience to painful wounds of worry. Have y'all ever been through that? I know you have. God gave us this passage of scripture because we need it!

Today both Greg and I felt a weakening in our defenses. After being under attack all week, mutiny reared its ugly head and suddenly we were battling each other, rather than standing together against our common enemy. How did that happen? Well, I was naked. I didn't have my armor on. I've overslept the last two days and hadn't armed myself with the sword of God's word. I'd lowered my shield of faith, wavering and allowing myself to worry. God knows our needs and will provide for them. I knew that. How many times have I reminded others of that when they were worried? More times than I could count. Yikes. I've got a log in my eye there...

Blah. This isn't my normal weakness. I've got lots of them, but not trusting God to provide isn't normally one of them. I thought I was "firm" on that. Looks like my self-confidence there got me in trouble. Anytime I think "Oh, I've got that one" I become vulnerable to attack. It's not about me and what I can do or what I think I've got covered. It's all about God and how powerful He is.

Thankfully, all is well that ends well. Greg and I are back on the same team and I've got a God who will forgive my pride and carelessness. The best part about being a Christian this side of heaven? For me, it's knowing that I'm washed clean every time I repent of sin. Thank you, God!

Autumn is Here!

2008-10-22T17:07:00.001-04:00

It's here! It's here! Autumn is my favorite season of the year and I am so thrilled that it is finally here! The temperatures have dropped and I have begun to pull out my cozy sweaters, thick socks, and throw blankets. We've spent two afternoons at one of the local apple orchards here and have come home with thirty-five pounds of apples. Some of those apples are simmering away on my stove as I type this, well on their way to becoming my first batch of applesauce. The trees in our neighborhood are just beginning to turn and I get excited every morning as I take my first peek outside. Since this is our first autumn in our new house (and because I am not a gardener- YET!) I don't know what our trees will look like in a couple weeks. It's a play that is slowly unfolding each day and I'm the captivated audience.

This morning I had a wonderful time at the park with my girlfriends and their children. While the kids ran and played, we were able to sneak in some much-needed adult conversation. After a picnic lunch, we took a basketball over to the basketball courts and played HORSE. The sun was out, the sky was blue and without a single cloud, and the trees all around the court were turning golden. As I stood there, breathless from chasing the ball and from laughing with my friends, I took a mental picture of that moment, placed it in my heart, and praised God. I praised Him for these budding friendships, for the beautiful children running all around us, the gorgeous day, and the ability to see and enjoy it all.

In this modern age of internet and cell phones, it is so easy to stay in touch with people that are far away. I love that I still feel connected to my best friend even though she lives six hours away. But it is really easy to become isolated. Making new friendships here has really been a blessing to me. I'm getting out of the house more, relating to other moms, and through these relationships, growing closer to Christ. We hold each other accountable. We encourage each other. We lift one another up. Sometimes we cry. We laugh. We share our struggles and temptations and weaknesses and fears. We are held together by the faith that we share.