On the Inside

I've been MIA for quite a while so let me catch you up. Isaac crawled and walked and celebrated his first birthday. Bella got her hair cut. Irene found her half-brother Lance who ended up living with us for a while. Irene graduated from high school and moved out. We moved to a smaller house. I lost a gajillion pounds. We read some amazing books, got convicted spiritually, and started making changes. And through all the madness, Greg and I somehow managed to fall in love all over again.

Each one of those subjects could be a blog entry in itself. Maybe they will be eventually. But tonight, I'm easing my way back in... I just want to share what is on my heart right now.

The Holy Spirit.

I love how He lives inside of me. He's on the inside, where I keep all the uglies. You know what I'm talking about... the closets you don't let others into? The Holy Spirit of God lives in that closet. I wish I listened to Him more, acknowledged His presence, maybe cleaned up a little in there. And I wish He would consume me. I wish he'd just take over in there and do some major remodeling of the space. I'm reminded of a poem we studied in high school by John Donne:

Batter My Heart, Three-Person'd God

Batter my heart, three person'd God; for, you
As yet but knocke, breathe, shine, and seeke to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow mee,'and bend
Your force, to breake, blow, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt towne, to'another due,
Labour to'admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in mee, mee should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weake or untrue.
Yet dearley'I love you,'and would be loved faine,
But am betroth'd unto your enemie:
Divorce mee,'untie, or breake that knot againe,
Take mee to you, imprison mee, for I
Except you'enthrall mee, never shall be free,
Nor ever chast, except you ravish mee.



I don't have a chance in this world if the Spirit of God doesn't overcome me. I want to love God, but I need God to help me do that. I'm not capable in my own strength to love God the way He deserves to be loved. I get to caught up in MY life in MY own little world when I try to do it on my own. I get too wrapped up in my secret sins. When I'm not leaning on the Holy Spirit, I find that I'm on Facebook more than I am in the Word of God. When I'm not actively seeking to build my relationship with the Lord, I get easily distracted- laundry, phone calls, even ministry stuff. It has to be a conscious thing. It has to be a commitment. Because the reality is that my family is affected by my walk with the Lord, for better and for worse... if I'm not where I need to be with God, I'm shorter with my kids than I should be, and there's distance between Greg and I.

So back to commitment. It can't be a wake-up-in-the-morning-relaxing-with-a-cup-of-coffee ritual. I have two small children. Those mornings only actually happen about once a month. There are dirty diapers and smashed bananas and spilled glasses of milk and endless other distractions every single morning. I can't wait for the peaceful moment to arrive before I go to the Lord. I'll be waiting forever if I do.

As I'm sitting here, I'm hating this post because it's exactly, honestly where I'm at. I know I'm not alone, but isn't that so sad? Shouldn't my love for the Lord draw me to Him? Shouldn't it create such a passionate longing that I create moments to be with Him? That's what I do with my husband... how much more should it be for my Savior?

I'm praying tonight for Him to create a passion within me... "bend your Force to break, blow, burn, and make me new."

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Lost

I seem to have misplaced myself. I think I got buried under obligations and expectations, routines and ambiguity, materialism and conformity. Where did my personal quiet time go? What happened to bible study and time spent listening for the voice of the Lord? And introspection? Where'd that go? I've become complacent and it doesn't set well anymore. So I'm evicting the complacent imposter and committing to finding my true voice again, the one that dwells within the Lord, from whom I gain my strength and peace.

Through Him, I'm striving to become a healthier self, both physically and spiritually.

And one more thing. Africa and the calling that the Lord placed on my heart a few years ago is coming back to the surface, with increasing clarity. That road is waiting for me. I cannot wait to see where it leads!